Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Help me Rhonda!

A couple of posts ago (Is it right to be passing time in blog posts rather than days or weeks? Does this mean I am addicted to this now as well?!) I talked about saucha, purity and recounted trial by neti pot at teacher training. Well, I feel you have been reading my blog long enough now that I have earned your trust and if you are still reading my posts here in month 3 you must know by now that I am not one to hold back. Hopefully you are now un-shockable however if you are of a nervous disposition maybe you should go back to checking how many people have commented on your latest photo upload on Facebook or reading up on whether the X Factor fiasco at the weekend is really fair (Its a game show, relax, life isnt fair!).
So, are you ready?
Rhonda always has huge blonde bouffant hair and lashings of fuchsia pink lipstick whenever you see her. She always has a smile on her face and a spring in her step. Rhonda is one of those perky people who never looks miserable or tired and appears never to have had got out of the wrong side of the bed in her life. This is all quite surprising when you find out that she has a shitty job. Literally!
Rhonda is my colon hydro-therapist!
Shit is her business!
Now I am just enjoying saying shit! Sorry!
I have always wanted to have colonic irrigation. I know, I am weird! And before you think I am some sort of kinky girl with a  bottom fetish, I am not! I am neurotic girl with a thin fetish! I just thought, how lovely to go in feeling all fat and bloaty and to emerge cleansed on the inside, super thin and fantastically gorgeous! That, I soon discovered is not the way it works but let me tell you, a few colonics later, I am still a fan.
John bought me my first colonic as a Birthday present - some girls want Tiffany, what can I say, I am different! It certainly wasn't his idea of a gift but I had left lots of brochures and fliers lying around the house in the hopes that he would get the message and he is not one to disappoint!
I was actually quite nervous as I sat in the tiny waiting room of the cocoa beach wellness center I had been so excited about the possible after effects of the procedure, only now did it cross my mind that there could be some serious discomfort and perhaps a sprinkling of embarrassment.  I think that is why Rhonda is so great at her job. She whisked me into her cosy procedure room and immediately we got chatting about how she got into colonic hydrotherapy. I was totally enthralled and relaxed. She told me how her father had become really sick with cancer and as a family they decided to explore all avenues of treatment, both traditional and alternative. And everything that he experienced they did too. They supported him 100% on his journey through this terrible disease, taking herbs, changing their diet, having acupuncture, you name it they tried it, together, as a family. After her father died, Rhonda said she felt there was so much she had discovered within alternative medicine and she wanted to learn more. She was hooked.
Having been brought up eating fast food and drinking only milk and not exercising she was suddenly aware that perhaps her fathers life style could have contributed to his rapid decline in health.
During her voracious studying, lovely Rhonda came across colon cleansing and now thinks that just like we drag the drain rods out when we get a blocked waste pipe, we should give our colons the same treatment every now and again. Everything that we put into our bodies ends up in our colon and if it isn't all pushed through at a regular rate then the bad stuff, like mucus and putrefied faeces and bacteria can get reabsorbed into the body through the walls of the colon. NICE!
I was genned up on the anatomy of the colon and all the nasties that could be lurking within and was raring to go. Well, not raring to have a pipe shoved up my arse, but eager to be cleansed!
No, it wasn't pleasant, having a plastic tube placed, delicately I might add, into my bottom (too graphic?!)  but once it was in, with a deep breath and the tip that opening my mouth would help (apparently a relaxed jaw equals a relaxed ass hole! You get all the good information with me don't you?!) I actually couldn't feel it in there.
Over the next 40 minutes there was the endless fill and release, Rhonda, all the while chatting away with her reassuring sing song southern drawl. She would turn the valve on the machine to fill me up with warm water and then after a couple of minutes of softening (!) release the valve for the water et al to flow through the pipe into the secured colonic machine and directly out into the drain pipe. It is all odour free but you do get to see, if you want to that is, EVERYTHING that comes out! It is actually quite funny. "A whole mushroom Sophie?! You need to eat more slowly and chew!" The fill and release is accompanied by abdominal massage which is so amazing. After what Rhonda delicately called "The Mother load" which feels like the world is falling out of your bottom there is the most bizarre feeling of emptiness. I was instantly starving! I was also desperate for a wee! Much of the water being flushed into your body is absorbed through the colon walls and hydration is one of the benefits of the treatment. I was quickly and expertly released from my pipe, hopped straight off the table and into the loo where I stayed for about 15 minutes!
I left the Wellness centre feeling a little bloated which I didn't expect. I thought I would feel super skinny. BOO! I didn't want to slip on my LBD and go out on the town, more skulk back home and put on my jammies!
The weird thing was that although starving hungry, I didn't want to eat. I was cleansed. I didn't want to ruin it!
Now I know I have put some of you off your breakfast, but stick with me, here is the best bit.
The next day, I felt like a different person. I sprang out of bed! Now I am not known for being a springer in the morning, more a plodder and a grump and it is about an hour before it is safe to talk to me. My Dad always refers to me as the Kraken before noon!
I had a feeling of euphoria! It was bizarre!

Now I felt thin and gorgeous.
Now I felt like I could take on anything and anyone.
Now I felt GREAT!

For the next few weeks I was so energized. I had no period pains for about 4 months afterwards and my skin and hair were in great shape.
So I am a total colonic cheerleader. I have had a couple since and every time it has been a positive and enlightening experience.
Of course I wouldn't think to go anywhere but to Rhonda.
She is cooky,  is the only other person in the world who has seen my pooh, and I love her!


  1. Hmmmmn. Interesting ....... I can't quite decide whether this comes under the heading of "too much information" - but, whatever floats your boat, I guess!! Glad you are feeling springy, Sophie - and if this is what it takes then go for it!! x

  2. Oh, boy. I can't read this. Can't believe it was a gift from...
    Never thought I was so fat or FOS I would actually SEEK out such a thing.
    Hope you are squeaky clean. Did you use a white glove to check?

    Your mile high friend